Suspicion of kitchen devices
Is it only me that can’t help thinking of the David Cronenbourg version of The Fly whenever they put something in the microwave? I keep thinking that Jeff Goldblum is going to jump out and monologue at me whilst creepily waving his hands and touching my shoulder. Then, my coffee will disappear and reappear in another microwave on a different floor, horribly melded with the cup into a monster that is so against nature it can neither hold coffee nor be drunk. The unfortunate mutant will stumble out, mildly startling the man who was standing there waiting to heat up his noodles, and expire dramatically in a spray of caffeine. And I’ll have to get another cup.
Perhaps Jeff Goldblum would get me a cup, though he’d probably put his fingers all over it.
I don’t have a microwave at home right now, but my new apartment does. Will this turn me even lazier than I am now? I haven’t actually had one in my primary residence since I left my parents’ house; it was threatening to turn me into the Leftover King even then. Now, of course, I just eat cold leftovers, which is much more respectable.
In my list of things that I will never do, “buy a microwaveable ready meal” comes just underneath “buy an SUV”, and just above “go to another retro disco club”.
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eurotrash Said,
October 27, 2003 @ 1:06 pm
I’ve never bought a microwave, but I got one when I moved to the US as a housewarming gift. I use it for popcorn. I’m told some Americans use it to warm up their water for tea. No kettle, you see. How awful is that?
fridgemagnet Said,
October 27, 2003 @ 1:17 pm
I have not been able to find an electric kettle since I got here, only coffee machines and non-self-heating “tea kettles” (which are just for pseudo-rustic ponces if you ask me). What the hell do they use? I have to boil a pan of water on the stove to make tea. Are you supposed to turn up your shower really hot or something?
eurotrash Said,
October 27, 2003 @ 11:57 pm
Someone found me a kettle over here – again as a housewarming present. But to be honest, you might as well stick with the shower idea, as my electric kettle takes roughly half an hour to boil. Fucker.
Mike Said,
October 28, 2003 @ 2:44 am
Yorkshire Soul was once a little read blogger from the Dales, now he’s just dead.
Here we are in the year 2012, Yorkshiresoul is still blogging but under the name ‘Half Yorkshire – Half Catalan – Half cut’. YS finally did get to see Avril Lavigne naked (as well as spelling her name correctly), but so did everybody else when the faded star appeared nude in the Christmas 2010 issue of Playboy, shortly after her six month stay in the Betty Ford Clinic.
YSoul’s beloved Leeds United languished in the 1st Division for three seasons after the awful Reid relegation year, they recently lost their manager again, but with recent improvements in cloning technology, Don Revie takes over at the start of next season.
Orange decided on a more aggressive marketing strategy, YSoul once again challenged them over their “Bearded men are dirty poofs” adline, but lost the fight to the 18 stone troll from the marketing department, and spent three months in traction. The story made the papers and media worldwide, he even got a visit from Tara Palmer-Tompkinson, then he even got her phone number, then he got lucky, then he got crabs.
YS spent three years in prison in the middle of the decade, after England lost their umpteenth consecutive Ashes series YS finally snapped at Headingley, England were 32-7 in their second innings, facing an improbable Australian target of 712-2 declared (R Ponting 435 n.o.). As Matthew Hayden lashed his third six of the over from an out of form Ryan Sidebottom, YSoul ran from his seat in the West Terrace and violently assaulted Hayden with a rolled up copy of the Yorkshire Post. (It was later reported that although most of the newspaper was successfully removed, the Australian was still passing parts of the sports section two weeks later). Despite widespread support for YSoul’s actions, he was jailed for a five year stretch.
After leaving prison YSoul got a lucky break and landed a job as UK Sales Director for Spanish Wines, spending his summers in England, his winters in Barcelona, and most of the time drunk, he was said to be fairly happy although he still wished people would read him for his faintly humorous scribblings rather than looking for naked teenage pop stars. He passed away in a mostly alcoholic coma in 2013 and his death was met with a mixture of mild relief from his associates and mild joy from the Lancastrian people he had spent much of his life railing against.
Vanessa Said,
October 28, 2003 @ 6:53 am
I woke up from a nightmare about spiders on the walls and a photocopier in the fridge for copying guns, only to find this post about David Cronenberg microwaves. I’m sending you my therapist’s bill.
Stuart Galligan Said,
October 28, 2003 @ 8:43 am
Born in Bolton in 1965 then again two years later to his Mother, Delphine, and several ‘uncles’. Stuart Galligan grew up in a tiny fishing village. Tiny due to it being so far inland.
Stuart managed to find work as a ventriloquist dummy until an unfortunate incident with a new ventriloquist not ‘in’ on the secret and no lube brought this career to a sudden and painful end. After his discharge from hospital he vowed never to patronise the world of showbiz ever again. A promise he kept for almost two weeks, when he became Michael Stipe’s bristle trimmer. (Not ‘the’ Michael Stipe; ‘a’ Michael Stipe.)
Well placed to see and be seen by all manner of showbiz types, he soon became a common feature in many prestigious stage performances. Indeed he was severely injured underneath a toppling Tommy Cooper at the London Palladium. ‘I tried to run, but he’s taller than you think.’
This little known incident changed his life. ‘I used to be much taller.’ He said.
After a series of eighteen broken marriages, twenty-seven children, thirteen of which were born after the vasectomy he had in 1997, Stuart died of boredom, in a tiny bedsitting room only inches from his Siamese twin, Eric.
He will be sorely missed.
The funeral will be on Thursday week. Eric Galligan will read the eulogy and then come to some agreement with the staff at the crematorium.
fridgemagnet Said,
October 28, 2003 @ 9:50 am
Um, okay.
Karen Said,
October 28, 2003 @ 10:51 am
Without her, there will be no tea.
Mr.D. Said,
October 28, 2003 @ 11:00 am
Here lies the body of Mr.D. Played his life out to a T. Saw all he wan-ted to see. Still, bloody glad it’s him, not me!
Aaron Said,
October 28, 2003 @ 11:02 am
Here lies Aaron Wormus.
He Came, He Fragged, He Lagged Out!
Dave Said,
October 28, 2003 @ 11:02 am
Following a glittering career playing the saxaphone, Dave founded the Clear Blue Skies foundation for frightened school teachers, which helped millions of teachers around the world overcome their mortal fear of the classroom. In his forty’s he spent four years on a desert island eating nothing but berries and shipwreck victims as he contemplated the futility of trying to initiate conversation on the London Underground. Having found no answer to that burning issue he turned to other problems and, in short order, proved the Riemann Hypothesis, solved the problems in the Middle East and discovered an oilfield buried beneath rural Hertfordshire big enough to rival any other in the world. After retirement he decided to lead a quieter life so took to wearing ear plugs all the time. He spent his time reading great works of literature while overseeing work on the first Cross-Atlantic Rail Network. He died in the course of attempting the most daunting project of his life; trying to remove the lid from a jar of pickled onions.
He leaves behind a wife and 4 children.
Simon - The Postboy Said,
October 28, 2003 @ 11:03 am
Simon
Darryl Said,
October 28, 2003 @ 11:05 am
born to a woman saw the world through his window died a lonely man thank you cruel world goodbye
Annie Mole Said,
October 28, 2003 @ 11:13 am
Death by Microwave
It it with deep sadness that we report the demise of Annie Mole at the ripe old age of 165. She lived on a diet of pot noodles and pop tarts and never complained of a days illness. Recently she had taken up the habit of eating microwaved popcorn and one day instead of popcorn, her failing eyesite on the blink, she put in a small sack of kyptonite (easily confused old dear that she was) and the microwave, kitchen and Ms Mole were blown to smithereens.
She will be sorely missed.
fridgemagnet Said,
October 28, 2003 @ 11:17 am
Help me! Help me!
Tilesey Said,
October 28, 2003 @ 11:24 am
Tilesey: 1979 – 2020
Born in deepest Surrey, Tilesey was a posh boy at heart. He was a well recognised character in the community famous for his drunken dancing and many sayings, including, “Drunk and Naked, what”, “Booster, you can never use too much lube” and, “woof”, he will be missed in his local pub, “The Walkabout”.
After breaking both his legs in a freak flaming sambuca incident, Tilesey became the world’s fastest man. He then opted to become a professional rugby player, “because the cheerleaders are hotter”. After playing professional rugby for both London Irish and South Africa, Tilesey re-broke his legs trying to attempt position #122 in the Karma Sutra, Wild Donkey embrase.
On the night of 12th November, Tilesey unfortunately met his maker whilst attempting another stupid bet. Although he managed to prove that one would die if one attempted to play “Peek a boo” within the lion’s enclosure at London zoo dressed soley in sirloin steak, he will not be around to collect his
eurotrash Said,
October 28, 2003 @ 11:47 am
Flashblog, I’ll bet.
eurotrash Said,
October 28, 2003 @ 11:47 am
Or are they called blogmobs? Whatever.
Elsie Said,
October 28, 2003 @ 11:49 am
Hereth liesth Elsieth. Conceived in a think tank and born out of the box, she was raised on an arable farm in Norfolk. At 17 she caught the express tractor down to London. She arrived 10 years later, none the wiser. At 28 she popped out to get some milk and accidently went to New Zealand. Her return was sadly marked by split milk. She never quite recovered. They found her body on Chelsea Bridge. Her knickers were never recovered. Mind the Gap.
fridgemagnet Said,
October 28, 2003 @ 2:46 pm
Ah, I thought it was something like that… I couldn’t see any relationship between the IPs…
CJ Said,
October 28, 2003 @ 3:16 pm
CJ came and went like the wind. Ruffling a few feathers along the way.
eurotrash Said,
October 28, 2003 @ 3:27 pm
http://www.clearblueskies.blogspot.com/
You’re famous.
ad Said,
October 28, 2003 @ 5:48 pm
is this cyber-terrorism?