Cleaning The Fucking Kitchen

Frequently Arsed Questions

If you've not read the kitchen pages, you should probably do so before reading this page, otherwise it won't make much sense. Click here to go to the first page.

Further developments

can't remember the date

Dave III has recently skipped the flat without paying two month's rent. So, I withdraw the "excellent people" bit concerning him, and instead brand him a double-crossing motherfucker.

16 March 2002

Dave II has skipped the flat now as well, without paying one month's rent. However, we've informed his ex-wife who will no doubt be making something of this in court when it comes to access.

21 April 2002

Everything not too bad on the kitchen front. We do occasionally build up an immense backlog, but it generally disappears quite quickly. A lot of this is to do with Dave I's girlfriend staying here a lot of the time.

That's not a sexist comment - I've lived with too many women to think that women have intrinsic cleaning instincts - but in her case it's true. Thumbs up.

10 June 2002

The kitchen is fucking disgusting again, and I hate it. I can't wait until I move out in a couple of months and live somewhere with a dishwasher. My next place of abode will have:

broadband
a dryer
ideally, a maid

FAQ

I've got a lot of mail about the kitchen page (and if you'd like to say something, just click here for the mail form - I love getting mail, believe me).

Here are a few responses to some of the commonly-submitted comments.

Can you do a page without so much swearing? I want to pass it on to my son/daughter, but they're only 12.
I've had this request from a lot of people. However, I think the kitchen pages really need to remain as I wrote them, as a record of my mood at the time. Plus, it would take ages to remove all the swearwords.

I am thinking I might write a Perl script that censors "unpalatable" words in web pages - not that I have a problem with them myself (as if that's not obvious enough), but as an exercise. If I do that, you can run the kitchen pages through it. Until then, though, I fear the pages must remain filthy and obscene.
How about a page about cleaning the bathroom / cleaning your bedroom / doing the laundry / other domestic task?
Unfortunately, I'm actually pretty crap at domestic chores. I don't mind cleaning the bathroom for some reason, but I don't do it that often, and as for everything else... well, you should see my bedroom, it's an utter disgrace, every surface is covered with coffee cups, beer bottles, books and dirty clothes. (If you've looked at my webcam you might have an idea.)

Thus I would feel a bit of a hypocrite if I wrote something about other domestic tasks. Though I might well write something about taking the rubbish out. Feel free to do something like that yourself, though. I'd appreciate it if you'd link to my page for giving you the idea, but it's by no means mandatory.

Any suggestions, though, are all gratefully received.
That sink's not clean! Look at the mold on the taps. And, those dishes aren't properly clean either. They've got soap suds all over them.
Soap suds: Actually, when I'm doing a large load of washing-up I wash the dishes and then rinse them afterwards. The photo was taken pre-rinsing. So poo to you.

Mold: Okay, so the kitchen is pretty skanky. You should see the sideboards, they're all cracked and generally filthy. I didn't know it was possible to impregnate formica with a greasy layer of cheese, but apparently it is.

However, utterly scouring the entire area is a difficult and time-consuming task without access to a flamethrower. Also, living in rented accommodation, you don't have quite the urge to complete these domestic cleanliness operations.

Is this coming across as a bit defensive?
You look gayer without the beard than with it. And having a site about domestic cleanliness doesn't help.
Thanks. Well, at least I can still get into good clubs. Actually, gay men don't seem to think I'm gay, it's just women that do. I don't mind that so much these days, I've got a girlfriend who seems quite happy with the idea. Much as it would be nice to have women falling at my feet due to my unrestrained masculinity, I can live without that.
It's not "washing-up liquid", it's dish soap.
No, it's washing-up liquid. Learn the proper phrase, American. And it's "colour", "flavour", "crisps" (not "chips") and "paediatric".
I am a lawyer for a large corporation. Can I threaten you with legal action in a humourless way?
Oooh, yes please, I'd love that.